Pretty Hate (New Adult Novel) Read online

  “So I can make, what, nine dollars an hour selling books? Big deal. Then what? Find some guy to knock me up and spend the rest of my life in this hellhole like--”

  “Me?” my mother said and threw a dishtowel on the table. “Is that what you were gonna say? Because, if it is, that is two.”

  “I do not want to be just a secretary,” I said and stared at the floor.

  “Since when is being a secretary so goddamned bad? There are a lot worse things out there.”

  “Yeah, you could be a hooker like Rebel Love,” Merry-Bell said. “That’s a bad thing.”

  “Rebel Love is not a hooker,” I said. “You people are so self-absorbed. I just had my heart ripped out of my chest!”

  “She is so a hooker,” Merry-Bell said. “She took up with that colored feller. Was Bobby a colored?”

  “Bill...it doesn’t matter,” I said and shook my head.

  I walked over to Merry-Bell’s china cabinet and looked inside.

  She displays a large collection of real beetles that she covered in shellac while they were still alive. She makes little clothes for them. She says she’s getting them a record deal.

  “Beth,” my mother said, “it’s not the end of the world. People get their hearts broken every day. You’ll find someone in time.”

  I turned and stared at her and then looked at Merry-Bell who licked the top of the salt shaker as she stared at me and nodded.

  “You know,” Merry-Bell said as she smacked her salty lips, “maybe you should find you another of the blacks. I hear they have them big old schlongs.”

  “Billy was not...I have to go,” I said and wiped my face.

  “You should put your energy into looking at colleges,” my mother said and stood from the table. “High school’s been over for a while and if you don’t want to be just a secretary, seems to me you need to go.”

  “With what, mother? The only reason Mazie Goodnight could even go was she got a scholarship.”

  “Well, Beth, had you studied like Mazie Goodnight did rather than chasing after boys like Rebel Love did, you’d probably have one too. You are the smartest of my children who does the least with her brain.”

  “I don’t want to be alone,” I said and stared at Merry-Bell.

  “Ain’t nothing wrong with being alone, girl,” Merry-Bell said. “I been alone for more years than I can count and I’m just fine.”

  I took a deep breath and grabbed my purse off Merry-Bell’s recliner.

  “Exactly,” I said and nodded. “I’m going home.”

  “Well, hold on,” I’ll take you,” my mother said.

  “No, I will walk. I need to be alone.”

  I walked into Merry-Bell’s kitchen and looked at the turkey destroyed by her insanity. I closed my eyes as I rested my head against her kitchen door and saw Billy Rider making out with some beautiful girl in my head and my stomach burned.

  I stopped at the playground on the way to Ivory-Lou’s and sat on a bench and watched stuffed families frolicking with their stuffed babies. I cried as I sent my best friend Stephanie a text to come to my house and then called Mazie Goodnight.

  “Hey, dork,” she said after she picked up. “Merry-Bell trying to get everyone to play strip Pictionary again?”

  “I’m not there,” I said and choked. “I can’t believe...Billy broke up with me, Mazie.”

  “Oh, God. What happened?”

  I told Mazie Goodnight the whole story as I screamed, sobbed and snotted all over myself. A lady grabbed her child and pulled him away from my bench.

  “Billy Rider is a loser, Beth! I told you about him the minute you started seeing him after that Igor from the coffee shop dumped you.”

  “It was Ivan and Billy is less of a loser than he was. Jesus, Mazie, what is wrong with me? Just tell me.”

  “Nothing is wrong with you, Beth Munroe! You are beautiful and funny and smart as hell. It’s these guys you pick, Beth. You need to stop fucking with losers.”

  “Yeah, well if they’re such losers and they don’t even want me, what’s that make me?” I said and walked away from the playground. “Jesus! All I can see in my head is Billy with this girl.”

  “Get out of your head, Beth. That’s part of the problem.”

  “I really, really loved him, Mazie. I thought I finally found the one,” I said and sighed. “And all I can see when I look at Mom or Merry-Bell, is that I’m gonna be them! I can’t take it. I may as well get myself a housecoat now.”

  “Stop it. Your world is so small, Beth. You need to see beyond what’s in front of your face.”

  “Yeah, well I can’t see anything except Billy Rider having sex with some chick who is not me. You at a party?”

  “No, we’re organizing. We started a new collective, it’s called Men Is Meat.”

  “Huh? Men Is...”

  “Men Is Meat,” she said.

  “Not Man Is Meat or Men are Meat? Men Is Meat?”

  “Yes, see, you get it! We use the grammatically incorrect is next to men to demonstrate how they need to keep us uneducated in order to keep us under their thumbs.”

  “Huh,” I said as I stopped at the foot of Ivory-Lou’s long driveway. “Aw, Christ, they’re having a party.”

  “Who?”

  “I’m at the house. Drive is filled with cars. I need a car, Mazie Goodnight.”

  “You need a lot of things, Beth. You need to reinvent yourself.”

  I walked up the driveway toward the big, white modern house and saw Stephanie’s Bonneville parked among the shiny, new sports cars.

  “Yeah, look, I have to go. Stephanie is here.”

  “Beth? Beth, listen to me, you are going to be fine, you hear? You’re going to be just fine.”

  “I don’t feel just fine,” I said and cried as I leaned against Ivory-Lou’s blue door. “I don’t feel like anything is ever going to be fine. I’ll talk to you later, Mazie.”

  I stood in Ivory-Lou’s large green foyer and looked up at the tacky chandelier hanging from the foyer’s ceiling as I tried to take long, deep breaths.

  “There she is! Stephanie!” Rebel Love said.

  I looked into the open living room and Rebel Love teetered toward me on four-inch, stiletto heels. She wore a pencil skirt and a crisp, white blouse. Rebel Love is perfect. She’s always made up and dressed up and she looks like a pinup model even when she just rolls out of bed.

  The house was filled with women chattering amongst themselves. They were Ivory-Lou’s girls.

  “Mama called,” Rebel Love said when she reached me. “I’m so sorry, Beth.”

  She put her arms around me and I felt like I was falling off a bridge as I hugged her and cried. Stephanie came up behind me and stroked my hair and I sobbed.

  “He’s in love with someone else!” I said.

  “I know, it’s okay,” Rebel Love said into my ear. “You’ll find better a better man. Come on, we’re just about to start.”

  “Start?” I said as she swiped her thumb under my eyes and fixed my hair.

  “Yes, Isis is here,” Rebel Love said and smiled. “The sacred womb cleansing? I told you about it last week. Hey, don’t you think it’s sort of perfect that this happened to you on the same day we’re having the ritual? What’s that called?”

  I looked at Stephanie and she shook her head as she tried not to laugh.

  “Serendipitous?” I said.

  Rebel Love tilted her head and shrugged.

  “Yes, yes I think that’s it,” she said as she tapped her perfect red fingernail against her perfect chin. “Anyway, we’re getting started now. We waited for you. Come meet Isis.”

  Rebel Love grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowd. Some of the girls smiled and some nodded at me, as my sister threaded me and Steph through the group toward Isis.

  “Isis! This is my sister, Beth. The one I told you about.”

  Isis had purple streaks running through her long, wild red hair. She wore a long dress made of some kind of shiny ny
lon and her doughy face was caked with makeup.

  “Beautiful,” she said as she looked at me and smiled, “absolutely, beautiful.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  She reached out and placed her hands on my lower belly and I jumped back and crashed into Yolanda who spilled her drink.

  “Damn, girl,” Yolanda said and shook her head at me.

  “I-I’m sorry,” I said and looked at Isis.

  “It’s okay,” Isis said. “I should have announced I wanted to palpitate your violator zone. My mistake. I sense a lot of congestion in your pelvic bowl, my dear. Let’s go smooth some ridges.”

  Rebel Love opened the sliding glass doors that went out to Ivory-Lou’s pool-area and announced that everyone was to come out onto the patio for the ceremony.

  I looked at Stephanie and she shook her head.

  “The fuck you are not,” I said and grabbed her hand. “I just got dumped and you have to support me!”

  We walked onto the patio and rows of light blue yoga mats were lined up on the stone floor. Stephanie and I chose two mats in the very back and sat down as Isis walked around the mats and touched everyone on the top of the head with a long feather.

  “Okay, ladies,” she said, “I want you to all lay back, legs stretched out in front of you and breathe deeply and completely through your vaginas.”

  Stephanie snorted and Rebel Love looked behind her and shook her head. As I rolled back onto the mat, I saw Ivory-Lou standing on the other side of the glass door. His hand covered his mouth and we locked eyes. Tears streamed down his face and his whole body convulsed as he laughed.

  I followed Isis’ instructions and as I tried to extend a “root” from my “pelvic bowl” into “mother earth,” I closed my eyes and saw nothing but Billy. As Isis instructed us to smooth the “dents” and “dings” in our “cups,” I saw every date we went on, especially our first date. As I tried to “fan the flames” of my “ovarian fire,” a scroll of texts rolled past my eyes documenting how he pursued and complimented me endlessly before I gave into him. And finally, as I tried to “excavate” the “boulders of hurt” my past lovers left in my “sacred womb,” I pictured him happy and in love...with someone else.

  An hour after the ceremony began, I was more hysterical than I was before it started.

  Stephanie spent the night because we had a 12-hour shift at The Bookworm for Black Friday. I sobbed as Stephanie said all those things best friends say that you never believe when you’ve been dumped: you’re beautiful, he’s an asshole, it’s not you, it’s him. You will find another guy. I slept with my ear on top of my phone, half-hoping I’d hear a text from Billy saying he made a mistake, and half-hoping I’d contract brain cancer. Neither happened.

  Stephanie and I went into the kitchen the next morning and Ivory-Lou and Rebel Love sat at the granite bar sipping coffee and whispering.

  “There’s my beautiful sister!” Rebel Love said as I grabbed a cup of coffee.

  “Sister, yes,” Ivory-Lou said as he peered at me over his newspaper, “I don’t know about the beautiful part. Damn, girl, you look fucking wrecked.”

  Rebel Love swatted his arm and shook her head.

  “She just woke up, baby. She’s not going to work like that.”

  I stood in the middle of the kitchen and nodded.

  “I am in mourning! Why does no one understand this?”

  “She is going to work like that,” Stephanie said and grabbed a piece of cantaloupe off a silver tray. “It’ll be fine.”

  “Beth, you cannot go to work like that. During this period, you have to look your absolute best at all times.” Rebel Love said.

  “What’s it matter?” I said and sipped my coffee. “No one’s looking anyway.”

  “You go to work like that,” Ivory-Lou said and shook his head, “you’ll be damn sure no one’s gonna look twice at your jacked-up ass. What’s all over your shirt?”

  “Chocolate syrup,” I said as I looked down at my chest. “I was hungry last night.”

  “Shit, you need to grow a pair and toughen up, girl,” Ivory-Lou said and snapped his newspaper.

  “Really? I need to...grow a pair? I may need a lot of things but I do not need life coaching from a pimp!”

  “Beth!” Rebel Love said and put her fork down.

  “Oh, really?” Ivory-Lou said and dropped his paper on the granite bar. “Is that how it is?”

  “It’s not how it is,” I said and put my coffee cup down, “it’s what you are!”

  Ivory-Lou stared at me and rubbed his chin. His eyes got darker than they usually were and I sent a wish up to the sky that something would scrub what I just said from his memory. I broke his gaze and looked at the floor.

  “I am a motherfucking matchmaker! What the fuck is going on here? Screaming at eight in the fucking morning?” he said and pointed at me. “Things are about to change around here! You will start paying me rent and the respect I deserve for carrying your bratty ass for a year. Understand?”

  I looked at him and nodded.

  “Good!” he said. “Now, you got fucking dumped. It happens. Move on. You’re a hot chick. Not right now, but mostly...other times. Act like it!”

  Stephanie elbowed me and backed out of the kitchen.

  “Now, what’s the best way to get over someone, Bethy?” Rebel Love said and smiled.

  “Get drunk?” I said as I grabbed my purse.

  “No, silly, by getting under someone else.”

  I looked in Stephanie’s visor mirror as she drove us to work and felt worse.

  “God, Ivory-Lou’s right,” I said.

  We pulled into the employee parking lot at the shopping plaza and Stephanie parked the car. She took her compact out of her purse and stared at me.

  “You actually do look pretty hot,” she said and pressed some powder over my under-eye bags. “Your eyes are red, but red eyeliner is in. And your lips, well, they’re always full, bitch, but, they’re even fuller and redder from wailing all night.”

  “You’re a good friend,” I said and sighed. “Will I ever stop feeling like this, Steph?”

  “Yes, Beth, at some point. It’s not even been a day.”

  “I just can’t stop thinking about him,” I said as I got out of her car. “I can’t stop seeing him in my head. All the things he’s said to me, all the things we did together...the whole relationship is running on a loop behind my eyes. And then the thinking about what he’s up to now and with whom? Goddamn, it is torture.”

  “Yes,” Stephanie said and sighed as she took my arm and we walked through the parking lot, “that’s the worst. Let’s get some coffee. We have time.”

  We climbed a grassy hill next to a smooth concrete ramp used by skaters that empties out into the parking lot. I climbed onto the metal railing and waited while Stephanie went into the coffee shop.

  I looked out over the outdoor mall where the bookstore is and watched all the sales ladies file into the different stores to start their shifts. I pictured myself as those women during the stages of life.

  There were the young girls, bright and fresh and standing tall, who didn’t know better, the middle-aged ladies with slumped shoulders who were just catching on that they’d been duped by this sham of a life and the older ladies who were fully bent and gripping their ankles who knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, because they’d been dry-fucked into getting the message.

  It was the goddamned evolutionary chart in reverse.

  As I balanced on that railing, I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of slamming car doors and clicking heels and I heard the whoosh of skateboard wheels cruising over smooth concrete. My hair blew back as someone slid past me down the ramp and I opened my eyes and saw the back of him as he glided into the parking lot.

  He wore a tight, black t-shirt and had a red-flannel shirt tied around his waist. He was tall and as he skated through the parking lot toward the other ramp, I saw his profile...nice nose, full lips and long, dark eyelashes I could see even
if I didn’t squint. He pumped his long leg as he made his way up the ramp and I held my breath as he lifted his arm and his shirt rolled up and away from the flannel and his jeans. As he came toward me down the sidewalk, his short, dark hair caught the sun and he stared right into my eyes. I pushed up on the railing and sat taller as he began his descent down the ramp. He was so close I could reach out and grab him and he looked at me and winked.

  I closed my eyes, sure that he was some sort of torturous mirage and when I opened them, he looked over his shoulder and smiled at me.

  “Beth!” Stephanie said from behind me.

  I jumped and overstretched as I turned to see why she yelled and I fell off the railing backward into the big garbage can below me.

  “Oh my God, Beth!” Stephanie said.

  I looked up and stared at the sky and at that moment, wished the sun would fall from it and land on top of me.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Stephanie looked into the garbage can and covered her mouth.

  “What the hell happened?” she said.

  “I’m sorry! Did I do that?” he said.

  “Steph! Is that him?” I said as I stared up at her.

  “Who?” she said.

  “Hot skateboarder! Hot skateboarder!”

  Stephanie looked up and over the garbage can toward the parking lot and smiled.

  “Hi!” she said and waved.

  “Let me help,” he said.

  “Jesus Christ, no! Do not let him come over here! Get him out of here!” I said as I brushed coffee grounds off my arm.

  “No! We’re fine,” Stephanie said and shook her head.

  “I didn’t think I was that close,” he said. “I didn’t see her fall. Is she okay?”

  Stephanie looked down into the garbage can and shrugged as I shook my head.

  “Get him out of here! Now! Do it!”

  “Don’t come any closer, asshole!” Stephanie said and glanced down at me. “Get the fuck away from us, you psycho!”

  “Sorry,” he said. “I just wanted to...”

  “He’s leaving,” Stephanie said out of the side of her mouth. “Hang on.”

  I closed my eyes and counted to twelve. I tried to breathe through my vagina and begged my sacred womb to take me on a magic carpet ride.